The end of an era…

sorta, kinda, not really. I have one more week left of school, and then I’m off for a semester. I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do with myself until October! I was just hit with the stunning realization that I’m going to *miss* school. Me. Miss school. I’m the girl that hated, loathed and detested school until college. Granted I think a lot of it had to do with the social situations in high school, and the rigidity of the curriculum. Still. I’m going to miss school? This just hit me, I really enjoy school. As much as I love staying at home with my son, at three he’s not the most intellectually stimulating person I’ve ever met. Discussions about Mickey Mouse or trying to convince him (as he is my son, and about as stubborn as his mother) that cleaning is a good idea don’t really ring my bell. Even the classes I dread, or don’t really enjoy (math anyone?) are somehow a welcome break. I think it’s because it’s the one thing in my life just now that is just about me. As selfish as it sounds, at school I am Bonnie. I’m not a mom, a wife, or any of the other roles I hold, I’m just me. And it’s a relief. So as of next week I get my ’summer vacation’ for approximately 7-10ish weeks, and then we welcome our new son I’m very excited about that. I never thought I wanted kids when I was younger, but I can’t imagine my life without my one son now. I miss the sweet baby stage! As much as I love the fact that my 3 year old is more independent now, I miss the sweet baby smell and cuddles and closeness of a baby. B. was never a ‘difficult’ baby, so maybe that’s why I miss it so much. He didn’t really cry, or fuss. He just wanted to be held all the time, and since he was my first I had plenty of time to do it I shouldn’t really complain, as my ‘baby’ is still only three. As much as I rejoice in his growing up and learning new things, a part of me is panicking and thinking it is going by way too fast! The irrational part of me is screaming that it has *not* been three years since my boy was born! Alas, my baby is now into planes, trains and automobiles and is running from about 7 A.M till 8 or 9 at night. He’ll be joining mommy in school in just 2 years!! (He already wants to Doesn’t understand why mommy gets to and he doesn’t. I guess I’m waxing reminiscent because I’m pretty sure this will be our last baby. I’d like to leave the option for one more in the future, but I’m not sure how feasible this might be. I’m only in the first year for my BA, and then I’m planning on graduate work as well. If I keep having babies, I might be 90 before I get a job I also got my SSA statement in the mail the other day and it made me realize that right now I’m worth more dead than alive! Granted that might be because I’m not working at all right now, but when you can die and double your families income that’s pretty sad. So as much as I enjoy school, and know that in the end it will improve the quality of life for my family, right now it feels like a selfish indulgence. In good news, my stepdad submitted DH’s resume at his work and they called him! Said he would probably be calling back in a couple of weeks to set up an interview. I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but it’s really hard. The CFO quit at DH’s current job and pulled DH aside and told him that finding another job would be a *very* good idea. Apparently DH’s boss is facing imminent bankruptcy unless he manages to win a huge contract within the next six months. While this may not have been an ethical move on the CFO’s part, I appreciate the head’s up, but am a little nervous here. Hopefully this job will come through. Oh well enough babbling for today.

Am I a Zombie? (Philosophy)

The immature (ok hormonal) part of me wants to stamp my feet repeatedly with my fingers in my ears muttering “I know you are but what am I?” Alas, I doubt this is a sound philosophical argument. First, in order to answer the question I would need to disconnected why that is my first impulse. It’s my belief that I get that immediate impulse first off because of the associations I have with the word zombie. You say zombie, I think nasty flesh dripping, brain eating automaton with no soul, personality or capability of higher understanding. Obviously this doesn’t describe me as my flesh is intact (pretty distended at this point, but not falling off), I’ve held a brain, but never eaten one, definitely not an automaton, and no one can accuse me of not having a personality (maybe of not having a good one, but there is one there I promise.) So I don’t fit into the *Hollywood* stereotype of a zombie, but that’s not the question at hand is it? The other reason I want to immediately dismiss the idea is because I have an ingrained belief that I am somehow special. There can be no other replica of me whatsoever. In fact if you believe my mom, they broke the mold when they made me (whether on accident or on purpose still remains to be seen ) Seriously though, whether it is the product of my upbringing, the Christian religion (all unique, made in God’s image, special) or some internal vanity, I have a prejudice against the idea of anything being me yet not me. Yet again, this isn’t exactly the question. When trying to take a clear unbiased look between Peirce’s view and the Calvin and Hobbe’s handout, as much as I would like to take the Calvin and Hobbe’s handout view (sorry don’t have the name off hand, will edit and add when I find the handout) I think this guy is having the same problem’s I am. He has an internal prejudice and is looking at some way to get out of the Peircian line of reasoning. From our discussion in class, I couldn’t find a way to distinguish myself from the Zombie persona. If the Zombie-me has the ability to love, hate, want, like, dislike or savor experiences in exactly the way I do, then I see no way to deny the existence of a Zombie self state. All of my attempts to do so are influenced by ingrained prejudices against the word itself, or the belief (however erroneous) that I am a unique, superior being by fact of my consciousness. Yet when I go to define consciousness, the synonym that pops in my head is awareness. Is that not the first tenent of the Peircian philosophy? So for now, I must agree with Peirce (however grudgingly that may be) until my ’superior consciousness’ can figure out a way around it.

School and such…

Some quick ‘and such’ stuff…. I looked at the calender and figured I am considered ‘full term’ on October 8th (or 10th) depending on the day you believe. It’s kind of scary how fast this is going. A part of me is so excited to have another child and another part of me is screaming that I’m a raving lunatic and there’s no way I can handle another child. I keep trying to tell the second part it’s a little late to be worrying about that but I’m not listening to me.

On the school side, I’ve made a semi-important decision. As I’m on the path for a degree in Psychology, I realized this little pipe dream is completely dependant upon me getting into grad school at my current university. You see, I’m not the bread winner of the family. That and the fact that I do have a family and by the time I’m getting into grad school one, if not both of my sons will be in school. It’s not feasible for me to whisk the whole family to wherever I happen to get accepted. So what I’ve come up with is to use my ‘extra’ credit hours to pick up Philosophy and criminal justice classes, and when it comes time to apply to grad school I’ll apply to both the Psych programs and the Law school at the other University near me. (the law school is actually closer to my house than my current university and is very highly rated.) I hope by diversifying my interests (while still getting my Psych BA) I’ll at least get into one of the programs. Everyone I’ve discussed this with thinks I’ll be an excellent lawyer (I’m not sure if I should be insulted by this…) At this point, the only thing I care about is that I get a job that pays me buttloads of money. (yes I just used buttloads in a sentence) That may be the greedy capitalist side of me coming out, but tough noogies. I’ve looked at the amount of student loans I’ve amassed in just one year of school (I could get a decent car with that!!) and see how my family is struggling because of me doing this, and figure I might as well go for the ‘big’ payoff at the end. Law or Doctor….. either one works. There’s another plus side to law school, it’s only 3-4 additional years, compared to earning a masters and then a doctorate for psychology. That and I’ll still get a nifty title to add to my name =)

Hume’s Problem and Psychological Experimentation (Philosophy)

Can past experiences dictate future results? No, they can’t. The implications of this are truly terrifying. How so you ask? Before we get to that, let’s examine how our past can not dictate the future. To make a really crude example, just because every time I’ve pressed the power button on my television and it has turned on, does not mean when I press the power button tomorrow it will turn on. To get back to why the implications of this can be terrifying, apply this to science (or as many consider it, the pseudo-science of Psychology as this will hopefully be my specialty) First let us examine the process of Psychological Experimentation. To begin with you need a hypothesis to test. Let’s say that drug ‘a’ lowers depression scores. Next we need to set up a null hypothesis. In this case, drug ‘a’ has no affect on depression scores. Now why would we do something so silly as to set up a hypothesis that says the exact opposite of what we want to prove?! The reason given to me in my Psychological statistics course was this… There is no way to conclusively prove something is true (short of testing *every* applicable subject which is impossible) For example, if you met five men with two arms, or ten, or ten thousand, does this prove that all men have two arms? No, it doesn’t. On the other hand, you only need one man with less (or I suppose more) than two arms to disprove your hypothesis. So the theory is, you set up a null hypothesis because if you disprove it (especially over repeated tests) there is enough confidence in the research hypothesis to implement whatever treatment your hypothesis indicates. To use our example, you decide to test the effect of drug ‘a’ on depression. After setting up your hypotheses, you choose a sample of depressed people. You then separate your sample into a control group and a treatment group. After administering drug ‘a’ to your treatment group, you retest your sample and decide there was enough statistical significance in the change to warrant releasing this drug to the public. Now how could this be terrifying? Because you haven’t proved that this drug is helpful!! All you have proved is that drug ‘a’ made a “statistically” significant improvement on a limited subset of people. And what after all is statistical significance? An arbitrary number decided on by a mathematician. Enter Hume’s problem. How do we know it was the drug that made the improvement? We don’t. They could have been having a good day, or maybe the room was painted a cheery color and it brightened them up. We just don’t know what the actual cause of the improvement is, yet because of math we will assume it’s the drug. Does this frighten anyone else? For that matter because we only tested a limited subset of the population how do we know once this drug is introduced it won’t cause suicidal impulses in anyone? Again we don’t. The implications of Hume’s problem on modern science are terrifying because for all of our experimentation, for all our rules and technology, we can never conclusively say whether or not our experiments have proved a thing. Hmmm….who would have thought an 18th century philosopher would have found such a large flaw in modern science? For that matter who would have thought an 18th century philosopher could help a 21st century college student understand a statistics course.

Comments on Comments (Philosophy)

If the world was an illusion would there be any applicable laws? I know that in my dreams what appears to be the immutable laws of nature have no hold. For example, it’s possible to fly, live in space, jump through time or any number of things all while dreaming. So if the world were illusion (ie like a dream) would it bed possible to have rules that (apparently) can not be changed? In my waking state I can’t time travel, or fly. Gravity can’t be changed, two plus two never equals anything but four. To take an opposite stance, if I am not the one controlling the illusion would I be able to change the rules within said illusion? To use a crude example of this, when I lived with my mom I was in her “world.” I did not make, nor could I change the rules of said world. While I could make suggestions, or try to assert how I thought things should be, the ultimate decision lay with my mother, the “ruler” of the world. The same goes with my children. They have input, but the ultimate decision is mine. Therefore, if life is an illusion, there could be a subset of laws controlling said illusion that we are either unaware of or simply unable to change because we do not control the illusion. Now if life were an illusion I think I can honestly say I prefer to remain within it. I know this illusion, while an additional reality is a complete unknown. Which leads us to….

The Matrix

If Cypher could have made his way back into the matrix, that did NOT involve betraying his friends, would there have been a problem with it? To answer a question with a question, can illusion ever really be an illusion once it has been exposed? Imagine a magician. Their very trade relies on illusions. If you recall, there was a series a couple of years ago (I think) where a masked magician revealed the secrets behind many of magic’s classic acts. The community of magicians in general became outraged. Why? Because if you take away the mystery, the magic, the illusion, than it no longer holds the same fascination as before. To use another example, Santa Claus. Once the illusion of Santa has been dispelled, is it ever truly possible to fully immerse oneself back into the illusion? Not really. We can relive the illusion of Santa in some small way through our children, but can never completely recover the sense of wonder we had before the illusion was crumbled. No matter how Cypher made it back into the Matrix, it would be impossible for him to find what he sought. The world wouldn’t hold the “reality”, the food wouldn’t taste as real. He could return, yet he would never be able to truly recapture the sense of illusion he craved.

Ruminations on the concept of the primitive…

Are some things primitive? This seems akin to the age old argument of nature vs. Nurture. Are some things known innately, or is all or knowledge learned (and thus explainable?) Before we can explore nature vs. Nurture we must first look at knowledge. Is it always possible to explain something learned, or is it possible to know something without being able to explain it? To this question my gut reaction is to say yes, it’s possible to know something without being able to explain it. For example, there are several words that I can’t define, yet I can use them in context. On deeper examination this very example disproves my assumption. By being able to give an example of something, or use it in context is a way of explaining something. While this might not be satisfactory evidence to Socrates, it is a way of demonstrating knowledge. So back to the larger question, now with the assumption that it is possible to explain all knowledge to an extent. it would be natural to then assume that nurture would be the ruling force of the universe. If all knowledge can be explained then it is natural to assume that everything we learn comes from explanation. There’s a problem with this though…. If everything we learn is from explanation, how do we explain instinct? For instance, as human beings we are born with the instinctual knowledge of how to nurse. Interesting factoid…if you place a newborn baby on his mother’s stomach directly after birth, he will ’scootch’ up to her breast an latch on. Granted I have only given birth once (and was actually unconscious at the time) but in all of my research I have never seen or heard anyone giving the newborn instructions on how to accomplish this. So by this example, some knowledge is in fact primitive, and not explainable. This leads me to believe that there are other examples of primitive knowledge out there. As for nature vs. Nurture, I believe that like most things in life, it is a mixture of both. So yeas, there are primitive ideas, concepts and instincts. The question that then occurs to me is if there is a primitive idea of something, is it possible that such ideas are subjective? Let’s take justice. Assume justice is primitive. Everyone knows what justice is, yet they are unable to explain it. Is my knowledge of justice different than yours? In a more general sense, is knowledge colored by perception? In mathematics (or my limited grasp thereof) no. Two plus two will always equal four no matter how I view life. Then again if you survey people from several countries asking them if the American society is just, my bet is you would get several different answers. Now if knowledge is primitive, yet isn’t subjective, then presumably one would be able to look at something and tell you conclusively whether or not it fits the description of “just.” From this you can conclude there are multiple types of knowledge (which as we just found out, Hume agrees with). My conclusion from this? Yes there are primitive concepts which can be colored by subjective viewpoints because there are multiple types of knowledge.

Friday Five!!

First for those keeping track, baby appt went good. HB in the 150’s, I have to go on Monday for my 1 hour glucose test (ugh) and they didn’t give me the drink beforehand so I get to drink the nasty stuff and sit for an hour so they can poke me (double ugh) Oh well =) Now on to the Friday five!

1. What color ink pen do you like best?

Black gel ink, fine point pens

2. Do you prefer plain paper or paper with lines (notebook paper)?

With lines!! I don’t know, oddly I’m anal about my office supplies. I hate to have my writing slant across the paper, hence the lines

3. What’s better: books from the library, or reading online?

Library (well technically book store for me. I love to reread my books, so owning it is actually a good investment). There’s nothing like the smell and feel of a good book (yes I’m odd, I like the smell of books.) A ‘page-turner’ doesn’t have the same meaning in an online book.

4. Which would you rather get, e-mail or snail mail?

both? I love the instant communication of e-mail, yet nothing matches the excitement of opening my mail and seeing something for me that isn’t asking for money! It’s kind of sad, but it’s beginning to seem like snail mail is becoming a lost art. I haven’t had a good letter since my best friend got out of the military!

5. Do you have a paper weight on your desk?

No, but I have plenty of other ‘crap’ laying around to pin paper down with

Random ramblings and observations…

As I’m having yet another bout of preggers insomnia, here’s some of what’s going on.

We got to see A. again last Friday. The U/S tech said everything looks good, so that’s a huge relief. Of course, me being me I’m going to worry until the kid pops. Which I just peeked at my blog and I realize I already said this… Yay pregnancy brain I have an OB appt tomorrow at 7am… I hate those early morning appts, but at least this way DH gets to go too! I think we’re down to only three or four weeks left of school, and then it’s my ’summer’ vacation Well at least for a couple more months till A. arrives. DH is still looking for a better job (yes still!!) He keeps getting turned down for college kids they can pay pennies to. I guess in this market it doesn’t pay to have experience. Oh well only 5ish more years till I’m in grad school (hopefully on an assistanceship so I can bring money in too!!) I really need to stop watching television. I’m so hormonal I disgust myself. I’m crying at commercials. Commercials!!!! I remember when I used to be sane. I miss that B. is such a boy Such a stubborn honery boy!! I wish I knew how to get through his thick little skull. Right now his answer to everything is why not? and he does not listen to mommy or daddy with out threat of bodily harm!!! Please, please tell me this is a phase. If nothing else only 15 years until he can enter the military I wonder if I can preregister for that?? I think I bombed a stats test today. It was all my fault, I should have studied this weekend, but I left it until today. I tried studying today, but B. decided it was use mommy as a jungle gym day, and it’s not exactly easy memorizing formulas while you have a 3 year old monkey hanging from your neck. (when I say monkey I mean my child is making monkey noises, insisting I call him monkey boy and literally swinging from my neck. No more animal channel for that little man!) Ok, as it is almost midnight and I do have that 7 am appt I better try and sleep!

**edited to add** I think it’s a bad sign that I’m already impatient for this pregnancy to be over and I still have 15 weeks left. Good Lord, give me strength!

Descartes

On a quick little side note….I like Descartes a little less now that I know he was responsible for the Cartesian Plane. Bad math bad.

I think therefore I am

This statement kind of makes sense. On one hand, it would be reasonable to assume that because you are thinking there is some sort of consiousness that *is*. On the other hand, if you are nothing more than an illusion, or a pawn of some evil demon, how do you know that the fact that you think is enough to justify your existence? Frankly I think the idea of a ‘Light of Nature’ is phooey, but I’ll get into that later.

Solipsism

Oddly enough, I’ve thought about this off and on since I was about 7. I just didn’t have a name before. Do you ever get the feeling that you are the only ‘real’ thing out there? I’ve often gotten a really odd feeling that I’m wandering around in some kind of dream where all the other people/things are nothing more than my own made up illusions. Yet if this were a dream you would think I could imagine myself a mansion and convertible to come with it…. Do I honestly believe I am the only *real* thing here, no. But it is interesting to think about.

God is Perfect and Infinite, Existence is Perfection

This is where I have my huge gripe with Descartes. (Note** The following does not reflect my personal beliefs, which are just that….personal. The following is just a reaction to the reading and my perception of Descartes’ arguement.) First of all, how do you know God is perfect? As far as I know, everything we know about God has been handed down by man. The Bible was written by men, every other religous text I’ve read was written by men. Granted one could argue that they were ‘inspired’ by God, yet even with that point. This leads to the fact that men are in fact fallible. Even Decartes admits this. If men are fallible, is it not possible that they made mistakes while writing down these religous notations? Now I’m sorry, but unless Descartes had a conversation directly with God, and had it tape recorded, his arguement holds no water. For example the evil demon mentioned earlier could have fed him that ‘Light of Nature’ claptrap which would throw his whole meditations out the window… For that matter, what if God is perfect, yet is not kind or good? Perfection does not automatically assume goodness. In this case God could be perfectly decieving you, because he thinks that is what’s good (or just because it’s his idea of fun…). I think my statement that Philosophy is the athiests religeon still holds water. I was with Descartes until he threw God into the mixture. It seems to me like he painted himself into a mental jail and used God as his ‘get out of jail free’ card…

Good Deed!

Little PSA here… Our troops are in desperate need for e-mail storage space. Many of our men and women overseas use either hotmail or yahoo accounts to keep in touch with friends and family back home, and as we all know neither of those services offers much storage for pictures etc…. Well google has started an e-mail service called Gmail, which offers 1 gig of storage space! Currently it is by invitation only. So please, if you get an invitation sign up! After signing up you will be offered invitations to pass on, at which time you can visit http://www.gmail4troops.com/ This website allows you to donate your gmail invites to the troops stationed over seas. It’s a great site, and a great thing to do for the troops risking their lives. Thanks!

A Day for Humour (or humor or whatever….)

First, I had the second U/S, and A looks great! They were able to get a good shot of his spine and it looks normal. See I’m not just fat, there is a baby in there In other news, the need for laughter (because I’ve given up spelling humor) is because my darling son is in his full contrary 3 year old glory :/ His room is now carpeted in Kleenex. He stole my brand new box (of course brand new, it wouldn’t be any fun if there wasn’t a magnitude of destruction!!) and proceeded to pull every last one out and throw em all over his room. Now he won’t pick them up because they are ‘pretty’ sigh…. And soon there will be two….Boys are fun

Now I’ve debated posting this, but it’s bothering me, it’s my blog and if you don’t like it don’t read it… I have never seen a bunch of grown people act like immature 12 year olds than I have today. Good lord. Oh no, someone said they didn’t like someone! Let’s lynch her!! I’m sure everyone out there likes everybody all the time. (hint that was sarcasm) I’m also sure that if anyone had the bad taste to disagree with or dislike someone they would *never* say so (yet again sarcasm) Grow the frig up people.

**Edited to Add** I think I’m going to track down the guy who invented ice cream trucks and that annoying repeated music and hurt him. Severely….