EEP

I GOT IT!!!! I GOT IT, I GOT IT, I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More later when there isn’t an 18 month old on my lap.

Exhaustion

I am so tired! I think it’s stress. Between W’s getting laid off, B’s birthday and my job I have been so stressed. I had an interview last Tuesday. It’s a customer service position, for a night shift, at my stepdad’s place of employment. I really, really, really want this job. It has amazing benefits, the atmosphere seemed so much friendlier than where I currently am and of course it’s more money. While the night shift seems like a bad thing initially, it really isn’t when you consider I could take day classes. As each day passes I get more and more disappointed and fatalistic. I didn’t get it, so I tell myself so if I don’t get it I won’t be as disappointed. Yea right. (although, my stepdad works there! I mean how big a loser am I if I can’t get in when I have a relative working there! Wait, don’t answer that.)

As a night only student, I get gypped. In all of the classes I have taken for my major I have had one professor. Now don’t get me wrong, some of the grad students I have had have been great. Unfortunately, a recommendation from a grad student on a grad school application isn’t worth squat. By not having access to the professors, I am handicapped for getting into grad school. Another reason is that in my future profession (hopefully) research rules. If two students have equal grades and GRE scores, the one with the most research experience wins. In my experience, research is conducted 9-5. Even beyond these concerns is the variety of classes offered in night vs. day classes. Day wins every time. That was my deciding factor.

I have been seriously considering focusing my efforts on law school rather than my PHD. I can still make shitloads of money, and I don’t need an internship. In order to be licensed by the APA I would need to have a supervised year long internship. As far as I’ve been able to tell, they are sparse in my area. If I don’t get into one, I basically have to sit on my thumb for a year until they are picking up more interns. My only other options is to look into hospitals outside of our area and face the possibility of living apart from my husband and children for a year. I just can’t do that. With law, there is a very good school about 5 minutes from where I live. They offer a program that can be done entirely at night, and in only 4 years. (or if I get this job, I can do it in three years during the day) The only problem is that I’m not passionate about the law. I am about Psychology. I find the subject facinating, engaging in a way I’ve never been engaged. But I guess at this point in my life financial security for my family is more important than a job I love. After all, I hate my job now. I’ll be paid way better to hate my job as a lawyer. As for the long hours? Well during the school year I’m gone from 6:30 am to about 9:30-10:00 pm every night. Not much of a change, and again way more money. I know that no one ever said life was easy, I just wish it wasn’t quite so damn hard.

Better

I’m better, I think. W’s filed for unemployment, and is actually eligible! So we should be fine for a while. I went on an interview last week. It’s more money, and a night shift! This is a good thing because I could take day classes. Many, many more classes are offered during the day. I haven’t heard anything yet, and I’m trying to keep positive. It’s not really working =)

It has been so hot here. 80’s to 90’s with high humidity. Ugh. W has a high thermostat, so he hasn’t been sleeping and is a very cranky man. The kind of cranky that makes me long for my single days lol.

B will be 5 years old on Wednesday. I can’t believe my baby will be five! We actually had to take him into the emergency room yesterday. We took W out for a father’s day dinner, and W had taken B into the bathroom. B was leaving and the door slammed on his finger. He turned so pale and looked like he was going to pass out. We took him to the closest hospital and luckily it was only a contusion! Poor little guy. Well not so little guy. He’s been trying to convince me that he *needs* a bowflex because he wants muscles. My 5 year old wants a bowflex. Yipee.

EEEK!!

I have an interview tomorrow. EEEP, I'm nervous!

again

Here we go again. W lost his job. I’m beginning to give up hope. It seems like no matter what happens, as soon as we get caught up and get our feet under us, this happens. I’m at a loss as to what to do. Other people seem to hold on to jobs no problem. Why is it so hard for my husband? He’s hard working, smart, a little wierd but that’s not a crime!! Damn I just want to curl into a ball and call it quits. I’m tired of fighting, pushing, and scrapping and getting no where. I’m tired of being knocked down over and over again. I’m tired of monitoring every penny, wondering how we will pay rent, robbing Peter to pay Paul. I’m just so tired.

on an aside, due to the recent problems with blogger I’m seriously considering moving my blog. So heads up As I’m pretty sure my only reader is the faithful Belinda, I will be sure and let you know when, and where the new space is. I will also have a new website up and running hopefully soon, as we just bought the domain name, and provider service right before the layoff (figures).

again…

Here we go again.  W. lost his job.  I’m beginning to give up hope.  It seems like no matter what happens, as soon as we get caught up and get our feet under us, this happens.  I’m at a loss as to what to do.  Other people seem to hold on to jobs no problem.  Why is it so hard for my husband?  He’s hard working, smart, a little wierd but that’s not a crime!!  Damn I just want to curl into a ball and call it quits.  I’m tired of fighting, pushing, and scrapping and getting no where.  I’m tired of being knocked down over and over again.  I’m tired of monitoring every penny, wondering how we will pay rent, robbing Peter to pay Paul.  I’m just so tired.  

New Home?

Blogger is down, yet again.  I thought I might try this site out to see if I like it better.  It seems neat so far, very user friendly.  I like the category options, and template selections.  I think I'll do a dual blog thing for a while, see if I like it.  Hmmnnn.

I've been stitching again!  Finally!!!  It's nice to get back into it   I got Inkspell in the mail two days ago.  Wow is it a beautiful book!  The cover art is amazing!  I just love the whole design of it.  Yes I know, wierd.  Well back to stitching

Break

I’ve been trying to teach myself HTML on my break. I had this ‘great’ idea that I was going to learn it, make this awesome webpage, update photos regularly, incorporate my blog, etc… All in my spare time. Yea. Oh well it was a good idea. I’m beginning to get frustrated. I have so many things I want to do, and so very little time to do it. I want to stitch beautiful (huge) pieces that I can showcase in my home. I want to read every book that is even remotely interesting. I want to graduate as near to the top as I can. I want to knit beautiful afghans. I want to garden. I want to design and maintain a warm, welcoming home. I want to be a succesful, respected professional. I want to be a wonderful mother and wife.

The problem with all of these wants is while they aren’t all mutally exclusive, they do require time and energy. For instance, the more I concentrate on school, the less stitching and fun reading I can do. The more I concentrate on the house, the less time I have for everything else. For better or worse, there is only 24 hours in a day. I guess the best solution would be to get rid of some interests and focus on one until I actually accomplish something (anything!)

The problem with that is I become bored too easily. For instance, I started Villa Mirabilia after my miscarriage in January. I stopped a couple of months ago because I got into reading again and haven’t touched in since. As for the house thing, I’m a horrible housekeeper. I’ve tried Flylady, and it didn’t work. Well it might have worked if I hadn’t gotten so worked up in the process and planning that I didn’t get around to actually doing. Oh well maybe one day I will discover it’s possible to survive on no sleep and will finally be able to put a dent in my dreams.

And then there was 1

I’m tired. I should be in bed. Instead I’m sitting here searching through infertility and miscarriage blogs. I’ve tried to ignore my miscarriage, but it hasn’t worked. It’s like a broken tooth, with an exposed nerve. Most of the time it is just a raw ache that I keep worrying over almost to make sure it’s still there. Every now and then, when the wind hits it wrong it is a sharp pain, almost debilitating in it’s strenght and viciousness. A part of me wonders if everyone was right. Did this happen for a purpose? Should I be happy with the two beautiful, bright children I do have? The overly logical part of me points out that this is not the most convenient time for me to be getting pregnant. I’m in the middle of getting my bachelors, I want to spend the money we have on the kids we have, I want to switch jobs. And then another part of me is still focused on my would have been pregnancy. I don’t know what week I would have been. After the miscarriage, I destroyed any reminders of the pregnancy. I deleted the weekly countdown from my outlook. I bought a new planner to get rid of the written reminders. Hell, I even deleted an entire blog to try and forget about what had happened. By now I would have been more than half way. I would have known if my child was a boy or a girl. I would be sweating like a stuck pig typing mutinous mutterings about the horrors of pregnancy. Instead, I’m sitting alone at my computer while my family is sleeping around me. Worrying that constant dull ache.

It was momma’s birthday today. She seemed to really enjoy the boys tonight. She loves the fact that Alex is a mini her I love it too. As morbid as it seems, no matter what happens to my momma, I can look at my son and see her.

Boss is coming back Monday. I’m dreading it. I hope this new opportunity works out. I need to find a less toxic environment.

I ordered Inkspell yesterday. The preview at the end of Inkheart was pretty gripping. Hopefully I will get back in the cross stitching swing of things soon. Before you know it I’ll be back in school and I won’t have time to touch anything interesting. I got my first taste of a 4.0 and I don’t want to let it go. Well I better get some sleep, as the monkeys rise early in this jungle.

Whew!

It has finally cooled down a bit. We have had stifling, high, humid temperatures. The kind of weather that makes it hard to breath. It’s thick. You would think that I was bred in the humid armpit of the Midwest I would be used to this weather. I’m not. I looked at W yesterday and said that if anything happens to this job, and I’m not in central air by the time this summer is done I will kill him. Yes I am the picture of the sympathetic loving wife.

The vacation was wonderful. We had the cutest little one room cabin, right across from a playground. It was so nice to tell the boys to go play, and not have to worry about them being hit by a car, sold drugs, or initiated into the latest toddler gang. B was thrilled, he caught his first fish. W was thrilled to have some daddy/son time. I was thrilled to lay around and do nothing. A, well I think A was thrilled, but seeing as how his vocabulary consists of mama, dada, bubba, yay (with hand clapping of course) and pup pup it’s kind of hard to tell. (Actually he is amazingly verbal. He’ll say please and thank you when under severe duress, bye bye and several other words. He has a better vocabulary than his brother did at his age, as well as children in both his actual age group and his adjusted age group. So anyone who wants to snipe at my preemie’s ‘cognitive deficits’ kiss his tiny white bottom. So there.) It was a little too cold to go swimming in the lake, but that didn’t stop A from plopping himself in the shallows and splashing determinedly until his little lips were almost blue. It took me physically picking him up, and plopping him in his carseat to keep him from running back. I can’t wait to go back again.

Work without the boss has been bliss. I have a possible opportunity to switch to a better paying, more rewarding company. The only downside is that they want three professional references. This is a problem, because the job I am currently at is the first job I have worked in about three to four years. I don’t want to use anyone from my current place of employment, because I’d rather they didn’t fire my ass for looking for another position. I have a friend who used to work there who once offered to provide a reference, but we have been out of touch for a while. I’ve sent her an e-mail, so we will see. I also have a lead on someone else, not in my department who might be willing to give me one, but I’m kind of reluctant to approach him out of the blue. The only other possibility is someone I worked for in 2000. (Much of the work in between was temp jobs, interrupted by pregnancy, bed rest, etc.) The last reference he gave was glowing, but I’m kind of reluctant to tap him seeing as how I was a low level office worker, and it’s been 6 freaking years!!! I’ll figure something out

My four year old just stomped in and informed me that he is not happy because the thunderstorm has distorted his satellite signal, so I must run and appease him with a story. I on the other hand am thrilled, because the storm means some decent sleeping weather for the first time in three days!