On my own…

I had a day to myself today!  It might have been exciting if I hadn’t spent most of it cleaning.  I’d say I was nesting except I don’t think it happens at 14 weeks pregnant.  I can only say one thing:  I love Mr. Clean erasers.  They work amazingly well.  Although I had no idea how dirty my walls were before I started using it.  Truly disgusting.  But they do remove crayon!!!  The only complaint is that they do not last nearly long enough.  I am so frustrated with  my book collection.  I have no way to really store it.  It is so disorganized and it is driving me crazy.  I think I’m going to buy a bunch of cheapo book shelves just to get them up.

In other news, DH and I have been fighting lately.  Fighting so badly that my mom offered to let me and the boys move in with her.  The problem is that DH is diabetic, and when his sugars get out of control, he gets mean.  I’m almost at the end of my rope.  I’m trying to be understanding.  It’s at the point where I’m wondering where do you draw the line?  When does it go from me being understanding of my husband’s medical problem to just plain making excuses.  He has a Doctor’s appointment Monday to reevaluate his medications.  Hopefully this will solve a world of issues.  The only problem is that his appointment is an hour before my amnio.  Mom has agreed to go with me if I think we can get Billy dropped of at school and get to the office in time.  Billy asked to go, but I think him watching his mom get a giant needle stuck in her abdomen would be a tiny bit traumatic.  I think we will wait for the anatomy scan to take him in.

I’m beginning to dread work.  The company has been growing exponentially, which is good.  The bad is that the more people they add, the more it becomes like a soap opera.  There is so much gossip and back biting that it’s gotten to the point where I just want to show up and not speak to anyone.  I have 4 or 5 people that I consider friends, and the other 30 are pretty bad.  They are also hiring more and more management for our department as it grows.  It has gotten to the point where there are too many chiefs.  If you want an answer to a question you have to ask 4 people.  Each of those 4 people  give you a completely different answer 99.9% of the time.  And if you choose the wrong response out of the 4 given to you, it is your ass on the line.  Is there any job out there where you can just show up and work?  I don’t need the gossip, the stress, or the viperish back biting.  I need a paycheck.

In good news, the boys are doing well.  A. is so excited about the baby.  I’m kind of scared to have told them already, but I can’t really hide it (I’m really showing) B. is doing well at school.  For the past couple of weeks he hasn’t gotten a note home at all!  He seems to be doing really well writing his letters and numbers.  In fact some of the crayon I cleaning off my wall was his practice numbers.  He loves me reading to him.  The largest problem I have seen recently is he gets frustrated so easily.  They are practicing moving from letter sounds to sounding out words and he has the letter sounds down great.  Transitioning from that to a word hasn’t ‘clicked’ yet.  He gets to a point where he is frustrated and just shuts down.  I just have to find how to make it click for him.

Speaking of a work, one of the aforementioned friends and I went out for coffee for her birthday at Borders.  She said that she has never really been a reader, but she bought a book at a middle school book fair in ‘77 or ‘78 and she has loved the whole series.  It was The Sword of Shannara by Terry Brooks.  I went ahead and got the first one.  She offered to lend me her copy, but it was a first edition paperback.  I couldn’t in good conscience borrow it, because there would be no way for me to replace it if my kids got a hold of it!  I like it so far.  It is very similar to The Lord of the Rings, so if you liked that you should like this.  And now I’m off to read some more!

Umm well yea.

You know how I spouted off all that stuff about no amnio?  I’m an idiot.  You see I have this slight problem.  If I view someone as an authority figure, I turn into a sniveling wimp.  I make my husband deal with the bills, yelling at the bank, dealing with  basically anyone.  I know I’m  a dumb ass.  So at my last appointment when the Doctor looked at me and said so we’ll schedule the amnio in three weeks, I said ok.  While I’m scared, I’m also an uber planner.  Hopefully this will set my mind at ease, assuming I’m not in the 5% that has a miscarriage.  And well, with my luck, I’m not holding my breath.  (Again doing the pessimistic thing in the hope that if it all goes to crap it won’t hurt so bad.)    Yea I know I’m an idiot.  A wiener.  So end result I’ll be having an amnio on April 2nd at 9 AM.  Yipee.

In other news, I really like my new shift.  I’m only there on the weekend and have limited exposure to the BS that goes on during the week.  It’s much more relaxed, I have a good relationship with the weekend people.  If all goes well, after I’m back from maternity leave I will drop Friday and just work the weekends.  I found a fetal doppler for 115 on amazon.  I’m debating spending the money on it.  This will be our last pregnancy (assuming there is a live baby at the end of it), so I won’t get to use it again.  On the other hand I could use it and then e-bay it when I’m done.  It might reassure me, or it might make me paranoid if I can’t find the heartbeat.  (ok, it would)  I don’t know.  <sigh>

argghh

I signed up for Amazon’s associate program so I could put the neat little pictures of what I was reading in my side bar, and for the life of me I can not get the darn thing to work.  Frustrating!!!

Bah

I wrote this big long post and wordpress ate it.  Basically we’re ok.  My doctor wants to do an amnio, but I’m turning it down.  I don’t think the risk of miscarriage is worth finding out about a genetic condition that can’t be ‘cured’ anyway.  I’ll wait and see if my 20 week anatomy scan shows anything unusual.

The Aftermath

I think I’m doing ok.  As bad as it sounds, two babies at once scare the crud out of me.  I know how to breastfeed one baby, I know I can do sleepless nights with one.  I have the stuff for one.  I have a car that will fit three children.  I’m trying to rationalize it   I ended up in the ER Thursday for a little bleeding.  I had an ultrasound that showed one healthy, hyper bouncing baby.  They thought it was probably due to the twin, and than it may happen on and off for a while.

I think I have been feeling the baby.  Every now and then I feel a bump like the kid is moshing in there and ricocheting off my belly.   At least I hope it’s the baby, I’m taking it as reassurance.  I have a follow up appointment on Thursday.

The doctor wanted to do an amnio after we found out about the fetal demise.  He said that he was afraid that the twins might have been identical and have a shared genetic problem that caused the fetal demise.  I was debating it and decided to go against it.  An amnio has a risk of anywhere from 1 in 200 to 1 in 400 of causing a miscarriage.  Adding the fact that now I’m bleeding, and there is no way to cure or treat any of the genetic conditions tested for in the amnio, I have decided to turn it down for now.  If my anatomy scan at 20 weeks shows something unusual we may reconsider.  At this point if I had it and anything happened I know I would blame myself.  I think that’s everything.  We have one very healthy looking baby, and we are thrilled.

SBHH

We lost one of the twins.  The second is showing a strong heartbeat and measuring appropriately.  Doc wants an amnio to make sure it isn’t a genetic problem that both babies share.  Kind of at a loss.