Well that sucks.

I’m back in the hospital. I was leaving for the night from feeding Katie on Monday, and as I was walking out of the hospital I felt something wet through my shorts. We drove home (5 minutes away) and I had hubby look at my wound and it was leaking from one of the holes where the staples were. We dropped off the kids at my moms and came back to the hospital. It turns out that my wound is infected internally all along the scar. I was readmitted, and have been getting IV antibiotics to clear it up. Good news is that I have been able to see and breastfeed Katie still. Bad news is I’m back in the friggin hospital!!! The doctor decided to irrigate and pack the wound this morning. I won’t describe this in detail, but let me just say ouch. Or rather OUCH. I’m hoping to go home tomorrow or the next day.

Katie has been doing well. She gained 1/2 an oz yesterday. I gave her 2 bottles, and she took all of both of them. The nurse was marvelling that she eats better for me than she does for anyone else. I’ll take it!! I keep joking that I want her to be released when I am. Not gonna happen but I can dream can’t I. Well I’m going to try and get some sleep.

Katie day 9

Katie is doing very well still. We switched the nipples we were using on her bottles and she took 25 cc’s and 27 cc’s consecutively. Two almost full feeds in a row! They were also able to aspirate 3 cc’s after a breastfeed, so we know she is getting something from that too! She had her eye exam today, which was much more traumatic for me then it was for her. She had her eyes dialated, and then an hour later the doctor came in and did the exam. Her eyes are fully mature, with no problems. I was then able to hold and snuggle her for 15 minutes. Her isolette is down to 32 degrees celsius (approximately 89 F. I believe…) I think they let her in an open air crib when she can hold her temp at 70 degrees F. With the weather we have been having she could just sit outside If we are still on track for her coming home before Alex did, she will be home in less than a week. I can not wait.

The boys are doing well. We got Billy registered for school today. They both are really excited about their sister, but then again they haven’t dealt with her day in and day out. Let’s see how excited they are after she’s home! Only 7 more days until I can drive again!! I *hate* not being able to drive. I made the mistake of missing a pumping session earlier today, and I got 6 oz. at the next one. My kid only eats an oz a feeding! Holy cow (literally. I’m beginning to feel like all I ever do is feed and pump, feed and pump). Speaking of which, next feed is in 1/2 hour so I will update more later.

some Katie pics

Katie day 6!

This has kind of turned into all Katie all the time   She is well.  The doctor didn’t change any orders this morning, so she is still at 30 cc feeds every three hours.  She gained 2 grams last night.  She took 12 cc’s by bottle overnight and I got her to take 11 cc’s at the last feeding.  I’m currently on a hospital computer for a sec, so when I get home tonight I will be sure to tell you about the worst NICU nurse I’ve ever met.  bah.  I had my staples taken out today, and got a lecture for pushing myself too hard.  One side of my incision is looking really red and strained.  I have to go back in a week to follow up.  At least they are in the same hospital as Katie, so I can just run in between feedings.  I went home last night, and it was so nice to be able to relax in my own house.  I’ll try and write more tonight, but now back to Katie.

Katie day 3-4

SHE GAINED WEIGHT!!!!!!!! She went from 2 lbs 13 oz to 2.15. Hopefully now she is done with the initial weight loss and it will be up up up. My milk has fully come in, and I look like a really bad porn star. Great boobs, and a big puffy post partum stomach to match. I’ve been getting 1 to 1.5 oz per side, and hopefully I can keep it up until Katie has the strength to take all her feeds directly from the breast. She’s getting a litttle less than an oz per feed so I’ve got her covered! Her biggest issue with breastfeeding is a) it’s a lot harder to get milk from a breast than a bottle and with her being so tiny she tires out really easy and b) I have to snuggle her close to nurse, and as soon as she is snuggled next to a warm momma, she wants to sleep. It’s hard to get her to stay awake long enough to get a full feed. We try the bottle, because it’s much easier for her to suck it and You can hold her away from the body and she stays awake longer. I’d much, much prefer she be able to directly breastfeed, but if the bottle gets her home sooner than I’ll take it. The only issue there is she really seems to not like the bottle. I think it’s the plastic nipple, I don’t think she likes the taste. She also had her incubator turned down a half a degree because she has been doing so well regulating her temp. She is going like a champ.

I on the other hand was hit with the baby blues yesterday. I spent most of the day swinging between tears and anger. I was crying over the fact that I have to leave today, but Katie has to stay. I cried because we had to skip a nursing session because Katie was pooped (this is not really a big deal, preemies tire easily and a little extra rest works miricles), I got angry at another NICU parent because they hogged the sink and took too long to wash their hands. (We have to wash our hands each time we go in the NICU) I was bawling because my body ‘failed’ me again and I had a NICU baby again. I hate hormones.

In the body failure dept., my hubby told me that the Dr. told him that the reason Katie came early was most likely due to her twin. The Dr. thought that the calcified ‘dead’ part of the placenta was most likely where her twin tried ‘reabsorbing’. Kind of gross, but also a relief to think that it wasn’t me or something I did wrong. There is no way it could have been prevented or forseen. Most importantly, I didn’t fail. My body isn’t some pregnancy incompetant thing. As for having a NICU baby, it’s rediculous for me to whine. Katie is doing so well it’s almost unbelievable. She has no respiratory issues, she’s behaving like a much older child, she’s working on nursing, she’s bright and aware and impressing the seasoned NICU nurses. So yea, it’s tough to leave her here, but I have no right to whine when she is doing so very very well. I am so very proud of my girl.

Speaking of my girl, she is now on her 5th NG tube. She is 4 days old. The little poop keeps pulling them out! She pulled out *2* yesterday. I told her that I would really prefer she didn’t do that, as I hate watching the darn thing inserted, but she didn’t listen. I told her if she would just eat all her food, she wouldn’t need the tube, but I don’t think she was listening to me. I better get used to it, huh? I also forgot about the brain numbing exhaustion on newborness. I’m pumping every three hours, and then for every feeding except the midnight and 3 am, I’m going to Katie and trying to get her to nurse as well. You would think with her being in the nursury with 24 hour care I’d get more sleep Um no. I’m so tired I keep falling asleep at random times. Speaking of which, I’m gonna try and grab some sleep before her 6 am feeding.

Katie day 3

She is still doing good. They have removed her iv, and put her on full oral feeds. She went from 3 cc’s per feed yesterday to 20 today. I’ve been pumping every 3 hours, and also breastfeeding her (well attempting anyway). We attempt to breastfeed and then she either tries a bottle or we do the NG tube. She doesn’t seem to like bottles at all. She will not take one from me. She was able to take 1-3 CC’s breastfeeding at her 9 pm feeding, which the nurse said was good. She is still down from her birth weight at now 2 lbs. 13 oz., but seems to be stabalizing. She will have her eyes examined on Monday, and as far as testing goes, I believe the head ultrasound is the only one after that (looking for brain bleeds because she is so tiny). Hopefully she will start putting weight on, the dr. upped her caloric intake today. Now off to bed before the next pumping session Oh and I’m being discharged Thursday….

Katie day 1

My daughter is amazing.  She dropped down to 2 lbs 15 oz.  She was so alert!  Huge eyes that look like they are going to be dark brown.  She has beautiful dark brown hair that almost looks curly.  I even got her to try breastfeeding for a little while!  Her face is so incredibly expressive.  She has had no problems breathing, and looks just amazing for a 33 week tiny peanut.  I am so proud of how strong she has been.  While I know her stubborn soul will have me tearing hair out in a couple of years, right now I’m so thankful she is stubborn and strong.  Everyone who has seen her tells me that she is beautiful.  I agree completely   Well it’s been a long wonderful day, and I’m going to catch some sleep so I can be up bright and early for my daughter (I *love* being able to say that…)

10/14

Kathleen Elizabeth
8/5/2007 @ 1:49 AM
3 lbs 1 oz
15.4″

Beautiful, wonderful, perfect baby girl.

9/?

Today was a bad day. It started out with my doctor rounding at 5:30 am, and lecturing me about wearing the inflatable space bootie things. Well excuse the hell out of me doc, but if you wanted me to wear them, maybe you should write a note to your nurses and have them implement it. Quite frankly, it’s not my job to decided every detail of care. It’s what you get paid for. Asshole. Hubby and kids visited, which was good until nap time. Alex was so over frustrated, it cranked Will up. We fought and he left. I then sit here and feel horribly guilty for being here. I’m trying to think of some way to get Katie out, and I’ve got nothing, because she seems perfectly freaking comfortable where she is. I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep until they actually come up with a fucking plan. I’m tired of sitting here with no plan laid out. I’m not stupid, I understand plans can change, but give me *something* to work with. Hopefully my jackass of a doctor will pick a more reasonable time to round tomorrow and I will have a little more sleep and be in a slightly better mood. Otherwise, I may just pack up and go home for the hell of it. This whole experience has pretty much destroyed my faith in the medical profession as a whole. I really don’t care if I die in 10 years, it would be worth it not to ever see another MD ever ever again.

8/?

More of the same. I’m still in the hospital, I’m still bored and still pregnant. Every day something gets better and something gets worse, but never enough of somethings to prompt delivery. As far as I’ve been able to understand it, there are 4 issues we are watching for delivery.

Issue 1 is Katie’s growth. She is officially classified as IUGR, which means she is under the 10th percentile for growth. As of 32.2 weeks gestation she was estimated at a little over 3 lbs. It is my understanding that if she stops showing growth I will then be delivered. This can only be measured about every 2 weeks, so the next growth measurement will be a week from Monday.

Issue 2 is Katie’s dystolic doppler pressure. They can measure, via ultrasound, the systolic and dystolic (don’t jump on me about the spelling, I’m guessing here) pressure of the placenta. From what I understand it’s like blood pressure, through the placenta. Katie’s dystoic is measuring high, and if it goes ‘too high’ I will be delivered. I’m not sure what is ‘too high’ because that would be asking the dr. to commit to an actual number or plan. Can’t do that

Issue 3 is flow. Placental flow can be normal, absent or reversed. When I was admitted the flow was absent. At every subsequent ultrasound it was normal, and today it was absent again. This is monitored by daily ultrasounds. If the flow is ever reversed, then I will deliver.

Issue 4 is the biophysical profile. I believe I explained this before, but briefly, this ultrasound measures breathing movement, overall movement, fine motor movement and fluid level. The score acheived indicates whether or not the baby is stressed in utero. She has had all perfect scores, but if this were ever to fall then I would be delivered.

At today’s ultrasound her pressure went down, but her flow was absent. I’m willing to be tomorrow the flow will be back but the pressure will be up As far as I know, they don’t think I will make ‘full term’, but they will not venture a guess as to when I will actually have her. At least the tech said that Katie still looks like a Katie.

In somewhat amusing stories, Will called me after picking up the boys and told me that Billy asked Will what babies ate. Will explained that after a baby is born mommies make milk to feed the babies with their breasts. Billy looked at him and said, like a cow? As Will is telling me this I hear Billy chanting in the background, “Mommy’s a cow.” and Alex is laughing hysterically. My mother thought it was hysterical, I’m still trying to figure out if it’s funny or I’m offended.

Will brought me a MAC computer to use until mine is fixed, and I have to say I love it. I told Will that when it’s time to replace my laptop, I want a MAC. Nevermind the whole Vista mess, I just really like the layout and user friendliness. And as dumb as it sounds, it’s cute!

I guess that’s about it. We will see what tomorrows ultrasound brings. I swing from wanting her delivered as soon as possible, to wanting her in as long as possible. I miss my home and boys. I also know the pain of a NICU stay, and want to avoid it if at all possible. I just have to learn that it is out of my hands, and to enjoy the down time that is being forced on me I’m lucky that my husband, mom and friends have all been very supportive. The nurses have told me horror stories of young women with no support stuck in here. Or single moms having to leave AMA because they have no one to take care of their other children. Well I’m going to get back to the all important knitting project I’ve been working on. I’ll take pictures, and will share them if my husband can find my card reader. I’ve got the camera with my preggo pics on it here.