7/?

You know I had written yesterday about the interminable routine of the hospital?  Screwed today.  At 6:30 my doc walks in.  Strange, but ok.  He leaves and the day nurse comes in and starts quizzing me about my birthing plan.  Basically get the kid out.  I’ve had two previous c-sections and was basically told I didn’t have a choice on how I delivered.  So now I’m wondering why she’s even bringing it up.  The resident then comes in and we chat for a while about nothing.  I was told my ultrasound would be at 11.  The resident then comes in again and tells me that he doesn’t want to get my hopes up but if everything looks the same, and Dr L. agrees I should be able to go home.  So what do I do, I get my hopes up.  And I go to the ultrasound, everything is the same, and Dr. L decides we are still going to sit around and wait.  I’m so sick of waiting.  I’m so ready to go home.  I hate sitting in the hospital.  I hate being pregnant.  I can’t wait for Katie, so I never ever have to do this again. 

6/?

So day 6 of my confinement.  My days have settled into a boring, monotonous routine.  I wake up around 6:30 in the morning.  Not because I want to, but because the resident decided that is the best time to round.  The ask the same 3 questions:  Any vaginal bleeding, gush of fluid, contractions?  I’m constantly hooked up to a fetal monitor, if I was having contractions aren’t you supposed to be able to tell?  As for the bleeding and loss of fluid, can we just assume that if I start spurting anything unusual, I will let ya know…  So after that, I wake up watch the news and get breakfast.  The food isn’t bad, just limited.  I told my mom it’s like going to eat at the same restaurant 3 times a day 7 days a week.  I then get a shower, and get settled back into bed.  Once a day I get into a wheelchair and have an ultrasound done.  They monitor Katie’s dopplers and her biophysical profile.  My limited understanding of the BPP is that it observes several things about Katie:  her fluid level, movements, practice breathing, etc.  and then scores her on how ‘well’ she’s doing.  For the past three ultrasounds she has gotten 8 out of 8 on her BPP, and while her dopplers are still high, she has dystolic flow which is an improvement from when I was admitted.  So as long as she holds steady I stay here.  I go back to my room, try to amuse myself.   I usually get a visitor after work hours.  Hubby and kids or my momma.  I then watch TV, read, knit whatever untill about 10 pm and then I go to sleep.  Stop, rinse, repeat.  On the upside, the blanket I’m knitting for Alex is coming along really really quickly.  The downside, is I’m classified as bedrest with bathroom priveledges only.  So I’m really friggin stir crazy.  I’m tired of being constantly plugged in 24/7. 

Momma brought me trashy magazines, chocolate, a baby doll and some preemie outfits for Katie today.  Momma *rocks*. 

That’s the other issue, is that they have officially classified Katie as IUGR (Intra Uterine Growth Restriction), and I had only bought one preemie outfit.  Everything else was in 0-3 or 3-6 months, and as she’s only estimated at a little over 3 lbs as of Tuesday, I needed some preemie clothes for her.  Now thanks to Grandma, she has some

On the up and down news, I’m pretty sure I’m quitting my job.  I found out today that They are counting my FMLA leave from last Friday.  The issue is that if Katie isn’t born until mid September or so, than I will have to be back at work possibly before I’m even released to drive after my c-section!  The other deciding factor for me was a friend of mine called me today and told me that we are no longer allowed to haved anything ‘non work related’ at our desks.  This is an issue because when I was hired I was told that I could do my homework at my desk in between phone calls.  If I can’t work on my school work in my off time, any appeal is out the window.  And there is a lot of down time on my shift.  We will see how Will’s job goes, and how living on one income goes.  Cuz did I forget to mention that my company doesn’t pay anything for Maternity leave?  So I will get pay for my vacation and sick time (2 weeks worth), but then I’m without pay until I go back…  On the upside, we will see if we really can do this.  If we can’t, then we will know before I turn in my notice, if we can then In 12 weeks I’ll tell em I quit.  I’ve missed staying home with my kids, and if we can pull this off I will be so thrilled. 

I will keep updating as I can, 33 weeks pregnant on Saturday.  Yipee. 

Explaination

I was scheduled for an ultrasound last Tuesday to monitor fluid levels on the kiddo.  Because my water broke early with Alex, the doctor wanted to make sure everything looked good.  During this ultrasound the doctor became concerned with a couple of things.  She said that Katie was measuring too small, in the 15-20th percentile.  This in and of itself did not concern me, I have small babies.  The second thing that concerned the doctor were Katie’s ‘dopplers’.  From what I have been able to tell, the dopplers measure the amount of ‘force’ necessary to push blood through the placenta to the baby.  They are concerned because Katie’s are very high, and combined with her low weight they decided to have me come in twice weekly for NST’s, BPP’s, fluid level checks, growth scans, and doppler scans.  I was in for my NST on Friday, and the doctor didn’t like the look of the strip.  They decided to admit me immediately, presumably until delivery.

The frustrating part on my end is that every test, ultrasound and monitoring that has been done since I’ve been here has looked great.  While that *is* great news, there is a part of me that is crying out then why for God’s sake am I still stuck here?!  If I’m good, and the baby is good, then why am I stuck in a hospital waiting on my body to fail me.  I can’t do that at home?  The latest I’ve heard is that as of midnight I will be NPO, off my Heparin and tomorrow they will measure her size and dopplers.  If there is any reversal or worsening in the measurements, I will be sectioned immediately.  With everything that is going on lately, she will look perfect and I’ll be stuck here for God knows how long.  I’m very frustrated and trying to combine what is best not only for my unborn daughter, but for my two sons and husband who are trying to survive without a mother in their lives right now.  I’ll update as soon as I can tomorrow.

computer is still in the shop, so more detailed update to come. I’m in the hospital, and will be here until Katie is born. I had my second steroid shot for lung maturity today, and will be having daily biophysical profiles amniotic fluid level checks and doppler exams. My doc is saying she doubts I’ll make it past 34 weeks, so 2 weeks at most I guess… More of an update if and when I ever get my computer back from HP. Hubby needs his back for work.

**edited to add that of course I read the new HP, finished it 1 am the Sunday it was released.  Also want to note, why is it that so called medical professionals don’t think I’m smart enough to see what is going on on the monitor that I’m attached to.  The lack of MD after my name is not indicative of an innate lack of intelligence.

MIA

Sorry I have been MIA for a while. My 5 (now 6!!) year old got a hold of my laptop and gleefully popped off a bunch of keys on the keyboard. I can surf, but typing anything is a major PITA. Luckily, it is still under warranty, so I just have to gear myself up for no surfing at all and send it in… So on to the updates!! Pregnancy: Is going well. I have to take the GD test again. I passed the first time, but the doc wants a repeat ugh. I’m measuring a week ahead, and baby’s heart rate was in the 150’s at the last appt. I had a slight panic attack today when I realized I only have about 2.5 months to go if I make it full term (which I never have), and I am so behind on buying things. At the rate I’m going, she’s either going to be naked or dressed like a boy. Kids: Again are good. B. passed Kindergarten, and is enjoying his summer. He had his 6th birthday yesterday. We are doing a family celebration Saturday evening. A. has come down with night terrors. Let me tell you how lovely that is. He wakes up at 3-4 ish screaming like a banshee and won’t let anyone touch him. He is still asleep, but won’t let us near him to wake him up. Fun, fun, fun. School: I don’t remember if I talked about this, but when I found out I was pregnant I decided to drop out of the semester for the sake of my GPA. My brain and pregnancy hormones don’t mix. This was about two weeks into the semester. I then got a bill for about $1,200. Yay. I filed my FASFA and got really good financial aid, but I’m not going back until spring. I’ve been meaning to call the financial aid office and ask if 1) I can roll both semesters awards into one and 2) if I could apply my excess award to my past due balance. It would have worked out perfectly (in my mind). Unfortunately, I looked at the website and they have frozen registration on me so I don’t see it happening. Oh well, I guess I should wait until I speak to them before I make a judgment. Last, but certainly not least, I’ve been tagged! My old philosophy professor tagged me, and I will do it on my next entry (probably next weekend) I’m trying to put some decent thought into it 

Ummm

Been kind of quiet lately.  I haven’t really had much to say.  Pregnancy seems to be going well so far.  I have another ultrasound a week from today.  I’m hoping to get confirmation this is a girl.  I’m trying not to get to excited until I get it.  We have bought a couple of outfits, but I won’t feel comfortable taking the tags off or tossing the receipt for a while.  Will started a new job yesterday, and for his one whole day there he seems to like it.  The boys are doing well.  Billy is almost done with Kindergarten, and Alex desperately wants to join him.  I guess that’s it (and now you see why I haven’t been writing anything!)

borrowing trouble

Is it normal to feel a cloud of doom after a miscarriage?  No matter how well the testing is, or how well the ultrasounds go, I still feel like something horrible is going to happen.  I call it dead baby syndrome.  As in every time I have an appointment, I expect a dead baby.  Yea, cheerful I know.  I’m a regular ray of fing sunshine.  I’m guessing it doesn’t help that one of my Dr. is a regular chicken little.  After the last ultrasound, the tech was going on about how great the baby looked.  She had the doc come in and take a look because it looks like instead of my body absorbing the other twin, it is solidifying and possibly attaching to the baby’s sac.  (at least that’s what it looked like to me)  We asked the doctor if everything looked ok and he said it did, but then rushed to point out that a perfect ultrasound doesn’t mean everything is fine.  Well thank you mister optimism.  I really hope he isn’t the one to deliver me.  (One of three docs that rotate)  He’s also the one that wanted me to do a pap smear about 5 minutes after finding out I was having a miscarriage and wanted to do an amnio on this one.  (The other two docs didn’t feel it necessary, so I didn’t have it done.)  Well A. would like a sandwich so I better run.

Better

Hubby is much better.  Trying to stay optimistic.  We had the big ultrasound this morning.  It looks like a girl!!  Her name will be Katherine.  The first thing we did was go and pick out a couple of outfits to let my parents know.  I just tried to find pictures, but I couldn’t.  The tech said it wasn’t 100%, but she didn’t see boy parts   She also didn’t get a good look at the heart, so I get to go back in 3 weeks.  Yay!!

well crap

hubby’s in the hospital.  They are thinking mini stroke.  He’s 32.  His speech is severely impaired, but strength is returning to his right hand side.  We are hoping in time his speech will improve.  He was in the middle of a job search.  I think impaired speech will hinder that.  Thankfully there seems to be no loss of cognitive function.  He recognizes me and the kids.  He’s scared and feeling guilty.  I’m kind of waiting to be struck by lightning on a perfectly clear day.  The dead baby fears are also back again.  Terrified that I will go in a week from Monday and there will be no heartbeat.  Keep feeling doomed.

Wow. I *am* more than an incubator.

I know that’s all I seem to talk about lately, so here is a concerted effort at a semi intelligent, non pregnancy related entry.  I started the Shannara series on a recommendation of a friend from work.  I really like it so far.  It is *very* reminiscent of The Lord of the Rings, but IMNSHO much more readable.  You can definitely tell that the first book was in fact a first book.  The difference between the first book and the second is remarkable in how much the author’s voice ‘grew’.  So far I am finding the second much more enjoyable.

Hubby is between contracts again.  I’m ok.  He’s got an interview tomorrow, so we might get lucky and have a limited gap.  I’ve gotten hooked on The Dresden Files on Sci Fi, love it.  I think I might love the T.V. Dresden.  Let’s not tell hubby shall we?  I also love Are You Smarter than a Fifth grader?  I’m not   But I can say I am smarter than the last couple of contestants!!  Of course it is always easier sitting on your couch than in front of a large audience.

I was searching through my stats, and apparently there are quite a few readers out there!  (Or one or two *really* obsessed people)  So please, boost my ego, leave me a comment!  I like them, and I promise I don’t bite.  I try to keep the bitchy, pregnant, hormonal freaking to close friends who have to love me the next morning.  Well that and they are highly amused by me breaking into tears then turning around and working myself into full bitch mode.  I’m not sure if I should be insulted that I’m being used as a source of entertainment or not.